Friday, October 23, 2009

Part XVI- You remind me of a cigarette

As I lie weeping on the button, so much desperation spills out from my eyes that the button starts to sparkle a little differently, with bright white bzap bzzap bzzzzzzzzzzaaaappppp and suddenly I am bigger, bigger enough to see the nurse frantically trying to get my attention.
'HEY!'
In a snap not unlike that of breaking bone, I stop mid-wail and look at her, my hands still clamped to my face, trying to hold a pocket of air so I don't drown in my own tears.

Like a child, I peak out through my hands and I feel like screaming
'IF I CAN'T SEE YOU YOU CAN'T SEE ME!!!' and hiding under the covers.

However, some odd little reasonable part of me decides that this would be a bad idea, and wind me up in the psych ward, with the genuinely crazy people.

like you don't belong there already

'hey!'

cue blank slightly freaked out stare from nurses.
'...are you alright?'

'umm...yeah. I just... I just had a bad dream thats all.'

apparently i've hit the money excuse because their eyes instantly fill up with pity.

I hate pity, but its better than therapy.

'Well as long as you aren't in pain'.

what a dumb thing to say.

OF COURSE IM IN PAIN!!!

-blink-

'Is there anything we can do for you?'

'Umm, yeah actually. could you wheel that little table over here?'

'Sure'

a few screechy moments later and I have my goal, solitaire.

But first, some tunes.
Hmm, shuffle songs, and we shall start with... norah jones, easy listening cruisy stuff.

Now lets see, red seven on black eight, black three red four black five all on the red six. hmm, stuck. I need a black nine... damn, stupid sevens. damn you stupid iPod with no hint function... 'You could not win this game, would you like to try again?'
Yes, yes I would.
'....freakin Jack, I never did like jack...'
'You could not win this game, would you like to try again?'
'damnit! that one three of diamonds...'
'You could not win this game, would you like to try again?'

'You could not win this game, would you like to try again?'
'You could not win this game, would you like to try again?'
'You could not win this game, would you like to try again?'

'You could not win'
'You could not win'
'You could not win'

'try again?'
'try again?'
'try again?'


'...please, please stop asking.' I turn to the gerbera and plead 'stop asking me that, you know I can't go back, I can't change anything!'

'would you like to try again?' the flower persistently asks me, as if desire were the only prerequisite for success.

'of course I would, don't be silly!

'You could not win this game, would you like to try again?'

'I already told you that, I can't!'

'You could not win this game, would you like to try again?

'I WOULD IF I COULD BUT I CAN'T!!!'

'there's no need to shout! so rude...'

But I don't even care what she thinks anymore, I just can't get it out of my head...

'You could not win this game, would you like to try again?'

Monday, October 19, 2009

Part XV - Spin the wheel, we'll set you up with some odd convictions

At this point, some deep dark part of me realised that I was

a) thinking too hard
b) trying too hard not to think too hard
c) desperately craving solitaire

So I reached out for the wheely table that held the evidence of your glitter hurricane, only to find it just beyond my reach. the kind of just out of reach that would be reachable at a stretch, if you didn't have a stomach full of stitches, or staples, or super glue or whatever they're using these days.

Fine then. I didn't really want the iPod anyway... Folding my arms and turning my head away in dumb-ass defiency, I try the old trick I always used to pull on you, and snap straight around, to catch you by surprise.

Although you look surprised enough, for a table, it does not bring you any closer to me, or me to iPod, it just makes me stomach hurt. Stupid table.

'Hey, who you callin stupid? I'm not the one who can't reach a table without pulling their stitches out.'

'I could so, if I wanted! I just don't want to!'

'Oh sure!'

'How dare you be so rude to me!'

'Oh I dare'

'..stupid table'

I can hardly help but cross arms and turn head yet again.

'Now who's being rude!'

'Hmmph!'

'Oh well, if you really do care about it so much, I'll give you a tip.'

Slowly, slyly, suspiciously, I turn my head towards it.

'One side will make you grow taller, the other side will make you grow smaller!'

'The other side of what?'

...

'Hello?? Now who's being rude!!'

...

'THE OTHER SIDE OF WHAT!!!'

Realising that the gerbera had began to shake her head and tut me, I silenced myself and looked around.

Suddenly, glaringly obvious is the magic button thingy. It glows a mysterious red-orange, begging me to try a side, try a button.

So, how to choose?

'eeny meeny miney moe, catch a tiggr by the toe, if he hollas let him go, eeny meeny miny moe...'

The right hand one, the right one. I hope thats a good sign...

Taking a shallow breath, i press on it.

Nothing happens, so I press it again.

'Well that was pointless, stupid table.'

As I glared at it, I realised it was getting larger, the button in my hand felt bigger, heavier.
My alfoil thin hospital blanket suddenly seemed immense, and I eventually realised I was getting smaller.

I wondered how long it would go on, as it seemed to be happening very slowly.

I watched inquisitively as the big white hills rose up around me, my pillow now a mountain, as if a new world was being born.

Suddenly I wondered with a panic when it would stop, surely I would soon shrink into nothing...

and yet, the moment it occured to me, the world seemed to stabilise. I wonder...

ow. right, so my stomach still hurts even when I'm miniscule.
great.


what the hell is that?

a creature that looks kind of like a syringe is sewing words in the hills with its beak, aggravatingly slowly.

'I? no, not an I. maybe becoming a B?
Oh, a D, great. hmm... oh right an O.'

This could take a while.

sitting cross legged on the floor, i wait impatiently for what may be absolutely nothing.

'don't step on the... don't step on the what!!!'
ugh.

I lie down on my back and nearly rip myself to bits with my frustration.

After what felt like an eternity, I struggled up again.
'Don't step on the mome raths.'
'Mome raths?'

In less than an instant I am swarmed by strange silvery grey fuzzy things, that seem somewhat cute for the rest of the instant, but when they are covering me, smothering me, they seem a little less gorgeous.

'BUT I DIDNT STAND ON YOU!!! I WASN'T EVEN STANDING!'
suddenly, I simply can't take it anymore and I jump to my feet, leaping back from the hordes, spinning round and round trying frantically to get away from them, but it can't be done, they will take me over, surely. Bury me in their writhing mass so that I can never escape.

But, just as suddenly as it began it is over. Turning to see the valley, I am greeted by carnage. Everywhere, blood and bodies. And the mome raths, the silver... slowly but surely it turns to the grey of school uniform, once familiar, now distorted faces.

And its my fault...

Shrieking, begging, screaming, crying, I claw my way up the pillow mountain to what is now a giant orange....lumpy bumpy glowing thing.

'One side will make you taller, the other side will make you smaller'

Frantically, I jump up and down on the left hand button, the left behind button.

'taller, please taller. PLEASE!!!' I stamp and stamp on it, but I'm too small to make a difference, too small to fix what I've done.

'PLEASE, PLEASE!!!' now I'm begging, but I don't know who.

I stamp and stamp on the stupid button but nothing happens.
Somehow i end up lying on my stomach, bawling my eyes out, throwing a tantrum no two year old could muster, desperation permeating every fibre.

And I can't help but feel that it might never go away.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Part XIV- I Deserve Nothing More Than I Get

When the pain in my head woke me up, it was dark.

Well, hospital dark.

Machines glow, light seeps in through the door.

It's as if the intense bright-whiteness of the place permeates absolutely everything in it.

Sitting up, the pain in my stomach reminds me that I'm an idiot for trying and fall straight back down to where my mother left me.

I can't decide if I want her to be here or not...



After a few minutes I remember about the magic button thingy, find it and coax it into sitting me up and turning the light on.

For reasons I can't see, my nose turns my head to my left, to the table under the window.

For reasons my mind can't grasp, my eyes see the trail that only you could have left behind.

A single yellow Gerbera, an orange iPod and a piece of purple paper covered in your delicate marks.


'Music to keep you sane, Solitaire to while away the hours in blissful ignorance, photos to remind you that past happiness was real and colour just cos.

With love and jasmine,
Linny'


Strange how different we are. Complimentary I guess, fitting opposites.

You are the sparkles in Beauty and the Beast. You dance around everywhere and turn things back to the way they should be, back to their beauty.

I am a hurricane.

You are glitter, getting into everything and making it better just for being there.

I am a thunderstorm.

You are jasmine flowers, taking over a whole garden with flowers and fragrance, quietly catching the eye of all who walk by.

I am thistles.


But you, in all your incredibleness, would say different.
And mean it, because somehow you see different.

I don't.
I am stubborn.

I am too much like her...

And you are like her, that reminds me...

no it doesn't

doesn't what?

remind you

doesn't remind me of what?

nothing, that's the point.
there's nothing for you to be reminded of.

Oh, right. of course.

but...

BUT NOTHING

...of course